Monday, March 22, 2010

"well that is that and this is this. will you tell me what you saw and i'll tell you what you missed, when the ocean met the sky."

Stereotyping People by Their Favorite Author

J.D. Salinger: Kids who don’t fit in (duh).

Stephenie Meyer: People who type like this: OMG. Mah fAvvv.

J.K. Rowling: Smart geeks.

Jack Kerouac: Umphrey’s McGee fans.

Jeffrey Eugenides: Girls who didn’t get enough drama when they were younger.

Lauren Weisberger: Girls who can’t read. Or think.

Jonathan Safran Foer: 30somethings who were cool when they were 20something.

Jodi Picoult: Your mom when she’s at her time of the month.

Chuck Klosterman: Boys who don’t read.

Chuck Palahniuk: Boys who can’t read.

Christopher Hitchens: People I would love to hang out with.

Leo Tolstoy: Guys I want to date.

Fyodor Dostoevsky: Guys I want to sleep with. (The difference between the two Russian authors lies in the fact that I think the Underground Man is sexier than Pierre Buzukhov).

Christopher Buckley (or William F. Buckley): People who love excess verbiage.

Ayn Rand: Workaholics seeking validation.

David Foster Wallace: Confirmed 90’s literati.

Jane Austen (or Bronte Sisters): Girls who made out with other girls in college when they were going through a “phase”.

Haruki Murakami: People who like good music.

Ralph Waldo Emerson: People who can start a fire.

Nathaniel Hawthorne: People who used to sleep so heavy that they would pee their pants.

Charles Dickens: Ninth graders who think they’re going to be authors someday but end up in marketing.

William Shakespeare: People who like bondage.

Mark Twain: Liars.

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle: People who drink scotch.

Joseph Conrad: People who drink old fashioneds.

Dominick Dunne: People who get their class from Vanity Fair.

Anne Rice: People who don’t use conditioner in their hair.

Edgar Allan Poe: Men who live in their mother’s basements. Or goth seventh graders.

Michael Crichton: Doctors who went to third-tier medical schools.

John Grisham: Doctors who went to medical schools in the Dominican Republic.

Dan Brown: People who used to get lost in supermarkets when they were kids.

Dave Eggers: Guys who are in the third coolest frat of a private college.

Emily Giffin: Women who give their boyfriend marriage ultimatums.

Richard Russo: People whose favorite day in elementary school was “Grandparent’s Day”.

Anais Nin: Librarians.

Margaret Atwood: Women whose favorite color is hunter green.

William Faulkner: People who are good at crosswords.

Jackie Collins: Your drunk stepmother.

Nicholas Sparks: Women who are usually constipated.

James Patterson: Men who score a 153 on their LSAT exam.

Sylvia Plath: Girls who keep journals (too easy).

George Orwell: Conspiracy theorists (too easy).

Aldous Huxley: People who are bigger conspiracy theorists than Orwell fans.

Harper Lee: People who have read only one book in their life and it was To Kill A Mockingbird (and it was their assigned reading in the ninth grade).

Nick Hornby: Guys who wear skinny jeans and the girls that love them.

Ernest Hemingway: Men who own cottages.

F. Scott Fitzgerald: People who get adjustable-rate mortgages.

Vladimir Nabokov: Men who use words like ‘dubious’ and ‘tenacity’.

Friedrich Nietzsche: Sommeliers.

Bret Easton Ellis: Foo Fighters’ fans.

Hunter S Thompson: That kid in your philosophy class with the stupid tattoo.

Cormac McCarthy: Men who don’t eat cream cheese.

Thomas Aquinas: Premature ejaculators.

Pearl S. Buck: Women whose favorite president was Harry S. Truman.

Toni Morrison: Female high-school English professors who only have an undergraduate degree.

Thomas Pynchon: People who used to be fans of J.D. Salinger.

Elizabeth Gilbert: Women who liked the movie “Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood” but didn’t read the book.

Rebecca Wells: Women on the East coast who wish they were from the South.

Tama Janowitz: Cougars who went to an urban college in the 80s.

Alice Sebold: People who liked Gilmore Girls – even in the first season.

Michael Swanwick: Men who argue Neil Gaiman is overrated.

Terry Goodkind: People who have never been dungeons master but still play D&D.

Stephen King: 11th graders who peed their pants while watching the movie It.

H.P. Lovecraft: People who can quote the Comic Book Guy from Simpsons.

Brothers Grimm: Only children with Oedipal complexes.

Lewis Carroll: People who move to Thailand after high school for the drug scene.

C.S. Lewis: Youth group leaders who picked their nose in the 4th grade.

Elmore Leonard: People who know how to perform a “Michigan left”.

Shel Silverstein: Girls who can’t spell “leheim”.

Douglas Adams: People who bought the first generation Amazon Kindle.

Tucker Max: Guys who haven’t convinced their girlfriends to try anal yet.

Alexis de Tocqueville: Political theory and constitutional democracy majors.

Tom Clancy: People who skipped school by hiding out in the gym.

Herman Hesse: People who own one straw chair in their house.

Phillippa Gregory: Women who have repressed their desire to go to Renaissance Festivals

Gabriel Garcia Marquez: Men who can’t lie but will instead be silent if they know you don’t want to hear the truth.

Susan Wiggs: Older women who are surprisingly loud during sex.

Nicole Krauss: Girls who intern at Nylon but end up moving back to the Midwest for their real job.

Mitch Albom: People who didn’t go to college but do well on crossword puzzles.

Stieg Larsson: Girls who are too frightened to go skydiving.

Sue Grafton: Women who have an email address.

Seth Grahame-Smith: People who own a smart phone which requires a stylus to use it.

David Baldacci: No one. Even the police say Clancy before they’ll say Baldacci.

Michael Pollan: The girl who just turned vegan to cover up her eating disorder.

Andrew Ross Sorkin: People who refer to themselves as “playing devil’s advocate”.

O. Henry: Men who have names like Earl or Cliff and were really close with their paternal grandfather.

Virginia Woolf: Female high-school French teachers who have their master’s degree.

Michael Chabon: People who hate Ayelet Waldman.

Ray Bradbury: People who own golf head covers.

Joseph Heller: People who love buying drinks for their friends. See also, people who cringe when they see their bar tab.

David Mitchell: Women who live in any area of Brooklyn other than Park Slope, but may end up there someday and if that day comes, they will switch to Barbara Kingsolver fans.

Max Barry: People who don’t mind the color orange.

Dean Koontz: People who would never dream of owning any type of “toy” breed dog.

John Irving: People whose parents are divorced.

Richard Dawkins: People who have their significant other grab them under the table in order to shut them up whenever someone else at a dinner says something absolutely ridiculous and wrong.

Salman Rushdie: People who google image search Padma Lakshmi late at night.

Albert Camus: People who went to art school after “trying it out” at a public university.

Kurt Vonnegut: People who played Creep by Radiohead while having sex or smoking pot.

James Joyce: People who do not like John Cusack movies.

Charlaine Harris: Elementary school teacher’s aids.

Jorge Luis Borges: People who took care of their dying grandparents.

Terry Pratchett: People who really like monkeys.

Oscar Wilde: People who can’t resist anything. See also, people who claim they’re going to change but never do.

Truman Capote: People who would never dream of owning anything that could be classified as a “knick-knack”.

Tom Wolfe: People who don’t mind others smoking around them.

Neil Gaiman: People who can name at least two Miyazaki films


Cait said...

that was awesome! so many authors on there that i love

Joe W said...

I read this with my mom over my shoulder. She's a Jodi Picoult fan. My face = the color of your hair.

Samantha said...

Hahah this is so funny, and so incredibly true.

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